How a Woman Should Be Like
That day, I had a curious question for my father. I showed him a magazine page and asked, “See, why’s the eight sleeping?”
Then I was around five years old.
My father laughed and said, “Eight is not sleeping. It’s an infinity symbol. It means…hmm…what will be the easiest way to say…hmm, well, which doesn’t have any limits!”
He slightly patted my head and said, “Big girl, just give yourself sometime. You’ll learn more about this.”
Of course, my curiosity bike got new pedals, and I kept on asking more questions. But since then I love this sign. Once in a school-essay, I wrote, “I’m a girl standing on an infinity sign”.
That was an essay on ambition. My teacher underlined the sentence with shiny red ink and wrote a remark, “It doesn’t make any sense.”
But my parents applauded my new sentence and proudly said, “Believe in your words.”
I always feel that on this sign, I can walk; I can groove; I can swing from its every end; I can rest on any of its edges; and I can be myself- in short, it doesn’t show me limitations. It’s mine. And my parents also never showed me any boundary lines. Whenever I stumble on something, they always tell me to remember that essay sentence.
It’s my destiny that I never had to fight for my freedom in my home or justify my actions even though I went wrong. I could just go on with ‘my choices’.
But what is the percentage of that liberty for girls around the globe? I wouldn’t add any jaw dropping counts because that is well known. We know how each day a girl suffers only to be herself and that doesn’t need any proof or any scientific research. We, the girls feel it and some sensible guys witness this. If I talk about myself when I’m taking a step out of my extremely supportive space, I still feel an unjustified pushback from the patriarchal surroundings. One of my recent not-so-favorable personal experiences shouts about this.
In my university days, my grades used to be in the top two. Honestly, it was a healthy competition between me and a guy. But when I completed my degree, I couldn’t see myself in the first position. Possibly, the lockdown phase messed with me and I blamed the COVID situation. I was at one point a little disheartened, but at the same time I was quite happy that finally I could say “Phew!” without any burden of online schedule. But that ‘blame’ on the COVID phase didn’t work well. Again and again, I revisited my exam days in my mind to figure out where I lacked. Honestly, I did this whole evaluation thing in a pretty sporting way. I became more open to conversations. I shared my dual state of feelings with some of my friends and relatives. Some were very receptive and supportive. But one of my relatives baffled me with her words. She felt it was not at all a matter of discussion, and I deserved this position. She exclaimed loudly on the phone, “Why did you expect? Girls can’t beat boys in higher studies. You’re not in school. You did well though.”
She continued, “When you’ll get older, you’ll understand. That’s how a woman should be like…adjustable.”
I cried for the whole day after that call. One thing hammered me, “Why couldn’t I make it to the top?”
This sour gender cringe wasn’t in my initial responses. I was competitive to make myself better. I could never imagine anything like this. Yes, I had evaluation mode, but that was to mark my small mistakes. But the dose of inferiority in terms of gender was splashed all over me by society. Even if my loved ones shrugged off that remark but that comment hit me quite badly.
That statement “How a Woman Should Be Like” means layers of predictability. That has factors like considerable, adjustable, vulnerable, manageable, or more and more. But that predictability factor mostly oscillates between two poles; the cage side and the growth side. And it mostly depends on tone and vitality. If that dooms down, then it reflects the cage side. Then it can bombard us with a societal outline, or with befitting patriarchal prejudices, or with a sudden succumbing identity values. But if we change our notion of tone and vitality, then it can become an epitome of an ambitious-upscaling personality and a ground for growth. The identification of that side is the key when we decide where we should stand. That has three categories and a blur sub-category.
One: She can stop on the cage side; two: She wants to choose the growth side but still clumsily stands on the cage side (One thing, sometimes women stick to the cage side even if they’re fully encouraged to walk towards the growth side. That has a different “pulling down yourself” story) and three: When she proudly walks towards the growth side.
The blur sub-category talks about fear of transition. Fear dealing directly with preconceived ideas of caging.
Fear and bravery both can decide different tones for “How a Woman Should Be Like”. But when a woman stands on the growth side or heads towards the growth side, she, herself can decide what tone and vitality she wants. Simply she chooses bravery. Then, “How she should be like”- this emotion has her ways to fill in the gaps. She can choose ambition, leisure, adventure or something else, whatever she prefers the most. In short, she chooses herself. I call this boldness Ina*.
Sometimes we get adoration, but most of the time we face something oppressive which even has some reputed terms in society. But what we take depends on our choices. If today and each day you choose yourself out of that cage, cheer yourself, “Break it…Girl! There’s more to achieve."
(*In Sanskrit, Ina (इन).—a. means determined or anything that is powerful.)