A Revisionist and Steps towards Personal Therapy

I scribbled in the air. I made a circle with my finger and imagined drawing long lines on it. It perhaps looked like a wheel. If I could see some black lines on my blank ceiling, it would have looked more artistic.

I took out a flash card from its stack. Its brown cardboard box got a startling shake. I moved it toward the corner of the desk. Then I repeated my imagined sketch on the card. It now looks like a clean wheel, but with two haphazard shoes. I moved on with the figure. It looked imbalanced. That unplanned attempt couldn’t make it look balanced. It looked like more of a confused anime girl.

I grabbed my colour palette from the drawer. I put almost all the colours on that page. I dabbed water and let those colours untie their wilful patterns on each other. They probably tried to do this fuss each time, but on other days I resisted. That day, I felt like allowing the ‘unpredictable’. The page got colourful and started looking like a small piece of my pretty regular waking dream dust. A fast and unplanned splash of colours didn’t make that piece any auction-ready. But it definitely made me way more sorted and pretty much ready for another round of dumb-schedule. Somehow, it was proven that the last hour literally scooped out a chunk of my anger bubbles.

Last week had been quite like a blind lane. I tried to figure out some crossovers. But I found myself again and again at the same spot. And it boiled up in me. I slumped down in my blanket; I talked rudely; and I shredded off some important papers carelessly. And that moment shook me with the guilt of repercussions. Thankfully, those papers had digital copies but it was that one mirror who shouted, “What is going on with you, dude?”

Dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) talks about opposite action and introduces a skill that involves choosing to do exactly the opposite of what your emotions tell you to do. This practice goes well when sudden emotions or mood swings dump us down. I was extremely angry and frustrated. I wanted to do something extremely off-track, like breaking something or something that could fix my recalcitrant miscalculation. But this time DBT talks about changing my anger-emotions to do something calming. I picked up painting and it needed patience and calmness. That was a practice of DBT.

If you look into my piece, it has some specific contradictions. On top, the details are prominent. In the middle the dress part is a little goofed up. And at the bottom, the wheel and broomstick started getting little scribble-like finishes. When I was quite furious, I put colours on the dress. And when I did the broomstick I started enjoying. Eventually, I felt I wanted to complete the work with some careful attention. The choices of the areas also showed the situational menaces. But that complete work shows the gradual changes in my attitude.

In college, I first learned about DBT. I had some worksheets that dropped out that day when I shredded those important papers. The worksheets reminded me of the skill. This DBT pattern that I chose on that day, this one specifically falls into the category of “Emotion Regulation Module”. It roughly goes on like identifying emotions, then reducing vulnerability and finally taking the opposite action. I saw my scribbled note on one worksheet, it said, “Work on your emotional literacy”. Probably it was some book’s quote but it speaks of emotional and health importance. DBT has a wider perspective but if someone tries to pick the simplest form then it’s best to question yourself. It can go like this, “What can I do to change my current state?” Or, “What is that one step that can show me an alternative?” If these questions and your answers tie up well then you will get out of the rut of your negative emotional loop quite easily.

The slowdown and a phase of avoidance signal your mind to think of a newer approach. It takes you to a new mirror. I call this mirror Ina*. Even if my girl on the wheel started off dealing with my inner storm but it ended on a fresh drizzle. I named her “Revisionist”.

(*In Sanskrit, Ina (इन).—a. means determined or anything that is powerful.)