Self-Worth vs. a Drop of Insecurity
Self-portrait in a Straw Hat by Elisabeth-Louise Vigée-Lebrun
Its small hand got fixed on 6 and the long one on 4. I gave myself a proud pat. Finally, I woke up before my usual time. I gave my wall clock a flying hug. I could sense that as if it said back, “Finally, our time matched!”
I slowly got my feet out of my duvet, gave my body a nice stretch, made a lemon-honey warm drink, and grabbed “Cat’s Cradle”. I have recently started this book and honestly, the first few chapters are intriguing. After writing down a ‘discipline’ quote, I leisurely started playing with my fingers and pen until the harsh sunlight glided on my face. I moved towards the dresser and again gave myself a proud smile, looking in the mirror. It was indeed an ‘aesthetic’ morning routine or even ‘that girl’ kind of vibe grinning around. Following the way a little further, I picked up my phone after almost an hour. My silent and cozy morning got the hardest shot of realization. It was 8:30 and I was late. And my little win took a swift shift towards a famous ‘guilt’ trip.
The dozens of blames were waiting for me from my side only. I got an invisible blaming master in my head who constantly whispered, “You shouldn’t have done this or that. You could have set an alarm. You’re lazy. You’ll never achieve any goal. You’ll never…blah blah blah...”
A late hour made my entire effort drown in the dark, shabby well. Now if I got 7:30 a.m. I would have happily taken the next step of my planned day. But was there any chance when I could make that perfect in each step? Was there any way where I could never see the ‘harsh’ me on my head?
When we achieve something, be it a little win at making a nice morning or be it a huge one like deciding to plan a solo trip, we are monitored by our own negative-selves. That constantly shows us our mistakes, our not-so-good qualities, our weaknesses–overall a sense of unknown insecurity. When we get into such dilemmas, we have questions like, what if I lose somewhere or, even worse, am I even worthy enough? That insecurity is a poison. A practical and unbiased judgment can make it a little less fussy. One question, “What was the reason I started?” The answer would never give a false shelter.
We all have got strong reasons to do something or achieve something. That reason pushes us to give the best effort, but that thing also brings at least a drop of insecurity. Immediate action on insecurity is the best way to deal. The reason is our ocean and that insecurity is just a drop. We are all smart enough to prioritize. I call that priority Ina*.
If someday one person can survive one day without that drop, then bow down to that person. He/She has got the true power of self-worth. Self-worth may rule forever.
(*In Sanskrit, Ina (इन).—a. means determined or anything that is powerful.)